An Open Letter

AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL MY FRIENDS ABOUT WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH THE PAST DAYS

Note: It’s very long. If you don’t care about me or don’t wanna trouble yourself through it, then don’t read! I am writing thia to express my thoughtz, not to please your night.

For the past years of searching my identity, purpose and mission in life, I have experienced help, counseling, self-seeking, spiritual direction and chats with friends I love. But, aside from those are inevitable rejection, criticism and discouragement. I cannot blame them. I have given them a reason too. I have made a picture of myself so insulting to myself. But, I am sad that they cast it on stone like I will not and cannot change or improve for the better.

In the last two quarters of 2017 and early days of 2018, I had a lot of desolation coming from within my family, friends and even workmates. I felt like I am the worst person that they have met. I have become so toxic that I even hated myself. But, then, I looked at the reason why I love them, it’s because I wanna change and love them better! But, changing wasn’t very easy especially if the people you love were pulling you down and giving up on you. They said I am hopeless. Impossible. I cannot change. Fuck them! I can and I will! I will show them that they underestimated me and thought of me wrong! I WILL BE BETTER AND I DONT GIVE A DAMN TO WHAT THEY SAY! 2018 rolled in and that’s what I continuously tell myself in the mirror every single time I get demotivated. But sadly, I reached the point of giving up. I fell into severe depression and it almost took my life. Because of it, I lost interest with everyone - close friends and family members. It cost my relationship with them to the point that I lost them. It was painful to remove them from my life but its a sacrifice worth taking. I need enough time to breath and be with my own for now, far from them and hope that soon, everything will be okay with me and I can finally face them - either as a better person or as their friend. Because if they trully are, they will accept me despite everything that happened. But to some, I really had already severed the connection and friendship.

I asked myself before, why were they pulling me down? Why were they giving up on me. I knew it by looking at myself, I painted an awful, funny, non-serious picture of myself. Everyone looked at me like I’m a circus entertainer or even as a bastard. I am sure they are already making fun of me. I cannot blame them. I am partly at fault. I gave them an image to mock and laugh at. So, how could a person like me do good things, change and be better? Please, it can happen but not easy! I know my stand, I know it’ll be hard to improve but I will! I don’t care who stands in my way to pull me down! I have a mission and one of the task is to either bring you with me to be better or to leave you and rot where you are! I will change, improve and fulfill my God-ordained destiny!

I don’t need all the people in the world to love me and believe in me. All I need are the handful of friends who I know didn’t give up on me and cheers me up. And I have a God whose love is far greater than all that can be combined from all peoples’ hearts.

No matter what insults, demotivating and discouraging people may be, I will keep doing what I believe is right and will be better for me with the help of God. I am changing. God is at work and I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS. He didn’t put the people in my life to pull me down. No. He is in me to fight off those people and peove to myself, I am a champion, worthy of love and happiness.

For too long, I have underestimated myself, my abilities, my skills, my capacity. But, NO! Not this time! Before, I do not understand how blessed, valuable and great my life is - my existence! I will change because I can and my God loves me, believing in me.

I am EFREN MALANA ABARIENTOS, Jr., proud to be a work in progress. I vow to change and be better to love and serve more! I AM READY TO FACE THE WORLD ONCE MORE AND CAN PROUDLY SHOUT: "LIFE: BRING IT ON!"

Thank you for my friends who are there for me and are not giving up on me. Thank you for my advisers, spiritual directors, prayer warriors and confidants. I am grateful for your help and guidance.

To God be the Glory, now and forever!

Journey of Faith.

Prologue

When I was seventeen, my life changed forever. I know that there are people who wonder about me when I say this. They look at me strangely as if trying to fathom what could have happened back then, though I seldom bother to explain.

Because I've lived here for most of my life, I don't feel that I have to unless it's on my terms, and that would take more time than most people are willing to give me.

His story can't be summed up in two or three sentences; it can't be packaged into something neat and simple that people would immediately understand.

Despite the passage of fourteen years, I can still feel the chill of the scene that almost breaks my heart. His story in some ways is our story because it was something that all of us lived through. It was I, however, who was closest to it.

I'm thirty-one years old, but even now I can remember everything from that year, down to the smallest details. I relive that year often in my mind, bringing it back to life, and I realize that when I do, I always feel a strange combination of sadness and joy. There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have the feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well.

So I take the memories as they come, accepting them all, letting them guide me whenever I can. This happens more often than I let on. It is September 21, day of the grand Centennial Anniversary Celebration of the Coronation, and as I leave my house, I glance around the quiet street. The sky is overcast and gray, but as I move down the street, I notice that the its already packed with people coming to and from the Metropolitan Cathedral.

I zip my jacket just a little. The temperature is cool, and I know it's only a matter hours before the heavy rain will pour down from the heaven, signaling the official start of the nine-day festivity that make Naga City one of the most busiest city in the region this month.

With a sigh, I feel it all coming back to me. I close my eyes and the years begin to move in reverse. Its as if the clock is moving on the opposite direction. Along with it goes with the changes in the surrounding. People changes from their cozy and trendy outfits to something simple. But despite the passage of time, the streets of Naga City is still packed with people, holding candles and rosaries, and that’s when I hear the thunderous sound of the bell ringing. Its about to start.

With that, I opened my eyes and prepare myself for this journey of faith. It’s a year before the grand Tercentenary Celebration of Bicolano Devotion.

I am John Carlos Marasigan Clete and I am seventeen years old. This is my story, or rather, HIS story as I see it.

First you will laugh, and then you will cry. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

I am not okay

For as long as I can remember I’ve always had this void in my life,
It’s this empty feeling deep deep inside of you,
that you can’t quite shake - no matter how hard you try.
It sort of consumes and eats away at you,
You’ll have great happy moments and just when you thought everything was fine - surprise!
The feeling always comes back, it’s just a matter of time.

The constant frustration to fill this void, something to ease the pain.
What’s the cause? Nobody knows,
Yet you feel the same sad emptiness every single day
It leaves me feeling so empty and down
like I’m missing something somehow
something that’s a big part of me
and once I have it, I’ll be happy
I just need that one thing, this missing key,
and when I get my hands on it, I’ll be complete.

I’ve tried everything - friends, education, material stuff,
but no matter how hard I try, it never seems to be enough,
It sucks,
and I know people will say that you just need to be positive,
or the solution to all of your problems is self love
But it’s not as simple as that,
not when you’ve got to the point where you just feel numb.

I so badly want to fill my heart with so much happiness that it takes all the sadness away
My childhood was so dark and angry that I always thought, in my adult life things would change.
Somehow I would no longer feel the same,
and I don’t, things aren’t as extreme anymore,
but there’s no denying that that feeling is always there - and it’s something I can’t explain.
I just wish it would go away.

I thought that when I grow up things would be different, I just thought…it would be different

You look at other people and they always look so happy,
You know you observe people’s lives whether that be in person, social media, tv,
and it seems to come to them so naturally
And I know all of that stuff can be misleading,
but when you feel so down and empty,
you can’t help but think, why can’t that be me?
Cos you want that, you so desperately want that,
and you feel like you’re doing the right things,
you know you’re having fun with your friends, having late night chats, dancing to silly music
and in the moment it feels great, you’re in a good happy place,
but that happy feeling always goes away.
and the sad emptiness kicks in again.

Do I sound crazy? god I think I sound so crazy.

These thoughts tend to hit me late at night,
And that’s when I write,
sometimes I’m so overcome with emotion that I just cry,
and I don’t know why,
makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me,
It’s so sad to admit, that it becomes easier to lie and act like everything’s fine.
So that’s what I say, I say I’m fine.

Events from my past still affect my adult life
I lash out, feel down out of nowhere and I can’t explain why?
It just gets so messed up in my head sometimes
and there’s no way to escape it, not when it’s all happening in your mind.
and so you just beat yourself up and beat yourself up til you feel so small
you know, you can be in a room full of people and still feel so alone.

I can put on an act and pretend that I’m tough
but deep down I never quite feel brave enough
Sometimes I feel so small in this big big world
That I feel like all I have are my words to keep my sense of control
These poems, they’re like my therapy you know,
a place where I can release and pour out my soul
In hopes that it’ll make me feel better, and somehow fill this empty hole.

One day I’ll look back and it won’t hurt anymore,
I’ll be able to look back at what happened and not feel so sore
Cos there’s no cure
No way to fix it, it’s just something you learn to live with,
But it’ll get easier, of that I’m sure.

You are not the demons in your mind,
You are not the hurt and pain, you feel on the inside,
You’re stronger than that, you can fight.
Understand that it’s all temporary and that these things take time.
So chin up, breathe, allow yourself to feel everything there is to feel,
You’re going to get through this,
Give it some time and you’ll heal.

Depression

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren’t in control. It's like you’re drowning.
Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you’ve ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you’re about the reach the surface. It’s suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.
The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you’re just so happy and can’t believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you’d be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can’t, no matter how hard I try.

I just want to end my life. Coz nothing good is happening now. Pain. Anxiety. And DEPRESSION. Im so fucking tired. Akala ko nung iba biro lng yung ma-depressed. Pero kung kayo yung nasa sitwasyon ko. God knows how difficult to survive this kind of situation. Unti unti nawawalan na ko ng pagasa. Yung confidence ko sa sarili ko nawala. Araw araw pahirap. Im just so tired and how I wish sana matapos na to lahat. Sana nman kahit isang araw lng maging ok ako. Nakakapagod labanan ang depresyon lalo na kung magisa ka lng lalaban na ultimo pamilya mo di ka iniintindi. Kay God na lng tlaga ako kumakapit na sana gabayan nya ko sa lahat ng decisions ko in life. I feel so unloved and unimportant. Feeling ko wala akong kwenta. Depression is slowly killing me. I just want to feel loved. Pero bakit ganito? It hurts so much.

Untitled

I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what degrades me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal.

~Jose Micard Teixeira

How to save a life

Please check on your family, friends and loved ones consistently. There’s so many people suffering in silence and crying underneath the smiles and laughs. Even if you don’t know how to help, just simply telling them that they are loved, that they matter and that they make a difference in your life is enough. With it, you might just save a life.

A Boys Faith

Honest to goodness, I almost cry when I read this one! It touches me... it touches a part of my self and soul... Untill now, I'm trying to convince myself not to cry but the tears just wont stop... well... I think you should read this for your self...

A boy's faith..

Somewhere in Milaor, Camarines Sur, there lived a fourth grader boy who would follow this route to school everyday: He has to cross the rugged plains and cross the dangeroushighway where vehicles are recklessly driving to and from.Once passed this highway, the boy would take a short cut by passing by the Church every morning just to say Hi to God, and faithfully say his, "Magandang umaga po" in Bicol dialect. He was faithfully being watched by a Priest who was happy to find innocence souplifting in the morning,"Kamusta Andoy! Papasok ka na?"
"Opo padre ..."he would flash his innocent grin, the priest would be touched. He was so concerned that one day he talked to Andoy."From school...", he advised "Do not cross the highway, you can pass through the Church and I can accompany you to the other side of the road ... that way I can see that you arehome safe...."
"Thank you father ..."
"Why don't you go home ... do you stay in this church right after school?"
"I just want to say "Hi" to my friend, God," and the priest would leave the boy to spend time beside the altar, talking by himself, but he was hiding behind the altar to listen to what this boy has to say to his heavenly FATHER. "You know my math exam was pretty bad today, but I did not cheat although my seatmate is bullying me for notes... I ate onecracker and drank my water, Itay had a bad season and all I can eat is this cracker. Thank you for this! I saw a poor kitten that was hungry and I know how he feels so gave my last cracker to him ... funny but I am not that hungry... Look, this is my last pair of slippers... I may have to walk barefooted next week you see this is about to be broken... but it is okay... at least I am still going to school... some say we will have a hard season this month, some of my classmates have already stopped going to school ... please help them get to school again, please God? ... Oh, you know, Inay had hit me again, it is painful, but I know this pain will pass away, at least I still have a mother.... God, you want to see my bruises? I know you can heal them ... here... here and ... oh...blood... I guess you knewabout this one huh? Please don't be mad at Inay, she is just tired and she worries for the food in our table and my schooling that is why she hits us ... Oh, I think I am in love ... there's this pretty girl in my class, her name is Anita ... do you think she will like me? Anyway, at least I know you will always like me, I don't have to be anybody just to please you, you are my very best friend! Hey your birthday is two days from now!!! Aren't you excited? I am! wait till you see, I have a gift for you ... but it is a surprise! I hope you will like it! Oooops, I have to go ..." then he stood up and calls out, "Padre, padre, I am finished talking to my friend ... you can accompany me to the other side of the road now"
This routine happens everyday. Andoy never fails. Father Agaton shares this every Sunday to the people in his church because he has not seen a very pure faith and trust in God, a very positive look at negative situations.
One Christmas day, Father Agaton was sick so he could not make it in the Church, he was sent to the hospital. The Church was left to 4 manangs who would chant the rosary in 1000 miles per hour, would not smile and would always find fault in what you do, they are also very well versed in cursing if you irritate them!They were kneeling, saying their kilometric rosary when Andoy, coming from his Christmas party, playfully dashed in. "Hello God!”

"P----!! (a curse) bata ka!! Alam mo nang may nagdadasal!! Alis!!"
Poor Andoy was so terrified, "Where's Father Agaton? He is supposed to help me cross the street ... and to be able to cross the street I will have to pass by the back door of thischurch ...not only that, I have to greet Jesus. It is His birthday, I have a gift right here...." Just as he was about to get the gift out of his shirt, the manang pulled his shirt and threw him out of the church. "Susmaryosep!!! (does a sign of the cross fervently) Alis kang bata ka, kung hindi matatamaan ka!!! So the boy had no choice but to cross the dangerous side of the road in front of the church. He crossed. A fast moving bus came in. There was a blind curve. The boy wasprotecting his gift inside his shirt, so he was not looking. There was so little time.
Andoy died on the spot. A lot of people crowded the poor boy, the body of a lifeless young boy ... Suddenly, out of nowhere a tall man in pure white shirt and pants, a face so mild and gentle, but with eyes full of tears... He came and carried the boy in His arms. Hewas crying.Curious bystanders nudged the man in white, and asked, "Excuse me sir, are you related to this child? Do you know this child?" The man in white, His face mourning and in agony, lifted up and answered, "He was my bestfriend ..." was all he said.
He took the badly wrapped gift in the bloody chest of the lifeless boy, and placed it near His heart. He stood up and carried the boy away and they both disappeared in sight. Thecrowd was curious ...On Christmas Eve, Father Agaton learned of the shocking news. He visited the house, and wanted to verify about the man in white. He consulted the parents of Andoy. "Howdid you know that your son died?"

"A man in white brought him here." sobbed the mother. "What did he say?” The father answered, "He did not say anything. He was mourning. We do not know him and yet he was very lonely at our son's death, as if he knew our son very well. But there was something peaceful and unexplainable about him. He gave me my son, and then he smiled peacefully. He rubbed my son's hair away from his face and kissed him on his forehead, then he whispered something ...".
"What did he say?"
"He said to my boy..." the father began, "Thank you for the gift ... I will see you soon ... you will be with me..." and the father of the boy continued, "and you know for a while, it felt so wonderful ... I cried, but I do not know why.... all I know is I cried in tears of joy ... I could not explain it, Father, but when that man left, something peaceful came over me, I felt a deep sens e of love inside ... I could not explain the joy in my heart, I knew my boy is in heaven now but...tell me, Father, who is This man that my son talks to everyday in your church, you should know because you are always there ... except On the time of his death ..."
Father Agaton suddenly felt the tears welling in his eyes, with trembling knees, he murmured, " ... He was talking to no one ... but ...GOD..."

Sandalan

Salamat ng marami sa bukod tanging gumawa ng paraan para kumustahin ako sa oras na ako'y lugmok sa kalungkutan....

Salamat, Nak!








"Sandalan"

Kanina pa kitang pinag mamasdan
Mukha mo'y di maipinta
Malungkot ka nanaman

Kanina pa kita
Inaalok ng kwentuhang masaya
Parang sayo'y balewala

Sandali nga
Teka lang
May nakalimutan ka
Diba't pwede mo kong iyakan

Sige lang, sandal ka na
At wag mong pipigilan
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa akin

Sige lang, sandal ka na
At wag mong pipigilan
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa akin

Nandito lang ako maghihintay
Lagi mong tatandaan
Di ka naman nag iisa
Nandito lang ako makikinig sayo
Sa buong magdamag sa kin di ka balewala

Sige lang, sandal ka na
At wag mong pipigilan
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa akin

Sige lang, sandal ka na
At wag mong pipigilan
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa akin

Sige lang

Sige lang, sandal ka na
At wag mong pipigilan
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa akin

Sige lang, sandal ka na
At wag mong pipigilan
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa akin

Sige lang
Sige lang

Turning on the light

Happiness can be found even in the darkest times if only one remembers to turn on the light.

End... almost

I don't know if many of my friends noticed my silence in FB, Messenger and Instagram since Friday. I came to the lowest point of my life that I really gave up from it. I finally attempted to end my life last Friday.

But what really happened?

Dumating na ako sa point na masyado na akong lugmok. Masyado nang masakit ang nangyayari sa akin. Hindi pa ako nakakatakas sa sakit ng pagkawala ni Mama, dumadagdag pa ang mga pangyayari na lalong nagpapabigat ng damdamin ko at nagpapasakit ng ulo ko.

Yung nagiisang tao na inaasahan ko para iangat ako sa pagkakalugmok ko, bakit siya pa ang taong dumidiin at nagtutulak sa akin sa kadilimang aking pinagkukublian. Imbes na makakuha ako ng suporta galing sa ama ko, siya pa ang panay ang sambit ng mga masasakit na salita na lalong nagpapahina ng kalooban ko. Sa kanya dapat ako huhugot ng lakas ng loob eh. Pero bakit ganoon? Sadyang malayo ang loob ko sa kanya. Sa totoo lang, mas gusto ko pa na siya ang nawala at hindi si mama! Pero wala eh, nangyari na yun. Kaming dalawa na lamg dapat ang magtutulungan. Pero bakit?! Ang hirap ng sitwasyon ko kapag naanjan siya. Ni minsan, wala akong nakuha sa kanyang suporta para lumakas ang loob ko. Lalong akong pinanghihinaan.

Hindi ko magawang mag open up sa kanya ng mga pinagdadaanan ko kasi alam ko na hindi naman niya ako maiintindihan, sa halip ay paniguradong pagsasabihan pa niya ako at sisisihin sa mga pangyayari. Uungkatin na naman ang mga nakalipas at sa akin na naman ang sisi.

Yung mga kaibigan ko naman, masyado na atang nasanay na malakas ang loob ko at nakalimutan na nilang tao pa rin ako. Kailangan ko ng karamay para maitawid ang bawat araw na halos gusto ko nang mawala ng parang bula! Para akong isang payaso sa entablado na handang magpasaya ng mga manonood pero sa pag baba ng telon at pagpunas ng make up, tatambad ang isang umiiyak at malungkot na tao. Durog ang puso. Wasak ang pagkatao.

Sa kaibigan lang ako humuhugot ng lakas ng loob, pero bakit sa mga nagdaang araw, isa na rin sila sa nagpapadagdag ng sakit? Pasensya ha, pero sadyang mahina ako. At simple lamg naman ang hangad ko, ang iparamdam ninyo na naanjan kayo (hindi lang sa mga salita... iparamdam at ipakita naman ninyo). Yun lang sana. Pero wala rin. WALA RIN KAYO!

And nung Biyernes, hindi ko na talaga kinaya. Hindi ako pumasok ng umaga pero Kinahapunan ay pumasok na ako (kahit hindi pa kaya ng katawan at isipan ko, napilitan akong bumangon upang matakasan ang sangkatermang litaniya na naman ni papa patungkol sa akin sa pagiging pabigat, walang kuwenta at inutil na anak!) Pagkabangon ay dagling naligo, nagbihis at umalis. Pag dating sa opisina, magpagsasabihan ka pa ng boss mo dahil hindi ka pumasok ng umaga pero nanahimik ng malamang masama pa rin ang pakiramdam ko. Napansin niya na matamlay ako ng oras na iyon pero pilit kong ginawa ang trabaho ko. Sa inis ko, nagpost pa ako sa Facebook My Day ko ng:



Mga ilang minuto pa lang ng pinost ko iyon ay agad na nag message sa akin si Mui, nagtatanong kung ano iyon. Pero hanggang dun lang. Wala nang mga sumunod pa na chat.

Pagsapit ng ika lima ng hapon, umalis ako ng opisina at pabalik ng naga ay pinagiisipan ang kung ano ang gagawin ko. Sa oras na iyon, desidido na ako. Gagawin ko na kinagabihan. Sa biyahe, masaya pa akong nakikipag biruan sa mga nakasabay ko na kaopisina pero lingid sa kanila ay ang madilim na utak ko. Mula sa SM na binabaan namin, naglakad ako patungo sa hindi ko pa mawari ng mga sandaling iyon. Lakad. Lakad. Lakad lang ako ng lakad. Hanggang sa namalayan ko na lang na nasa tapat na ako ng Southstar Drug at bumili ng 30piraso ng gamot na aking iniinom bawat ikalawang araw. Pero sa gabing iyon, taliwas sa tamang paginom ang balak ko. Iinumin ko iyon ng sunod sunod hanggang sa bumigay ang katawan ko. Marahil sa isip ninyo ay simple lang pero kung nakita na ninyo ang epekto sa katawan ko ng bawat isang tableta ng gamot na iyon, malalaman ninyong hindi iyon basta pag inom lang. Isang tableta pa nga lang, ang lakas na ng side effect sa akin, 30 pa kaya?! At sunod sunod pa!?!

Pagkabili ko, pilit kong iniwasan ang mapadaan sa San Francisco dahil mula sa labas ay matatanaw ko ang Birhen na siyang naging sandalan ko noon. Lakad ako ng lakad at di ko namalayan na pabalik ng Market ang tinatahak ko. Hindi ako huminto ng makarating ako ng Market, sa halip ay naglakad pa papalayo dito hanggang sa napadpad ako ng Tabuc at may kung anong humila sa akin papasok ng Simbahan. Doon ko nakita ang imahe ng Itim na Nazareno. Ang imahe na isang taon pa lang ang nakakalipas ay kasama ko pa si Mama sa pag bibigay pugay sa Señor. Nung isang taon pa lang ay masaya ko pang sinamahan ang señor sa pagikot sa Centro ng Naga na hindi alintana ang lakas ng ulan. Kasama ko pa noon sa prusisyon ang dalawa sa itinuring kong pinakaimportanteng kaibigan ko. Pero sa taong ito? Wala na si Mama samantalang walang kaalam alam ang dalawa. Naupo ako at tinitigan lang ang Señor. Ng gabing iyon din pala siya bibihisan kaya pinanood ko ang pagbihis sa kanya. Literal na naka titig lang ako. Ni hindi ako nagdasal o kahit man lang mag tanda ng Krus ng pagpasok ay hindi ko ginawa. Nang matapos ang pagbibihis, lumapit ako sa Señor at muli, tinitigan ko lang siya saka umalis ng simbahan.

Mula Tabuco, muli ay naglakad dahil nakaramdam ako ng gutom. At isa lang ang hinahanap kong pagkain ng sandaling iyon.

Diretso ako ng Barlin pero sadyang hindi ko ata maiiwasan ang kanina ay pinagtataguan ko dahil ang napakalaking Imahe ni INA, sa malayo pa lang ay tanaw ko na. Nakaharap sa akin. Nakatingin. Naka bantay. Diretso ako sa paborito kong kainan para sa huling pagkakataon sana ay makain ko ang paborito ko. SISIG IS LIFE sabi ko pa noong sandaling iyon sabay tawa.

Sa sandaling iyon, panay text at tawag na si papa sa akin. Ng muli kong tignan ang My Day ko, nakita na pala niya iyon kaya panay ang tawag at text niya. Pero ni minsan ay hindi ko sinagot ang mga iyon.

Nag pasya ako ng sandaling iyon na mag uninstall na ng mga Social Media Apps ko ng walang pasabi kahit kanino.

Pagkakain, muli, oo, tama ka, naglakad na naman ako. Naglakad mula Barlin pauwi ng bahay sa Concepcion. Doon, ko wawakasan ang pait na nararamdaman ko.

(Details to be posted. Ang sikip na naman ng dibdib ko)

Malaya ka na

Pasensya na, kung papatuligin na muna
Ang pusong napagod kakahintay
Kaya sa natitirang segundong kayakap ka
Maaari bang magkunwaring akin ka pa

Mangangarap hanggang sa pagbalik
Mangangarap pa rin kahit masakit

Baka sakaling makita kitang muli
Pagsikat ng araw, paglipas ng gabi
Kung di pipilitin ang di pa para sa’kin
Baka sakaling maibalik

Malaya ka na, Malaya

Isusuko na ang sandata aatras na sa laban
Di dahil naduduwag kundi dahil mahal kita
Mahirap nang labanan mga espada ng orasan
Kung pipilitin pa, lalo lang masasaktan

Mangangarap hanggang sa pagbalik
Mangangarap pa rin kahit masakit

Baka sakaling makita kitang muli
Pagsikat ng araw, paglipas ng gabi
Kung di pipilitin ang di pa para sa’kin
Baka sakaling maibalik

Malaya ka na, Malaya

ALWAYS

Mahirap iignore. Yan ang sigurado. Yung tipong nag effort ka para mag message sa kanya. Meron jan na binababa pa nila ang pride nila para lang macontact ka. Pero ano? Babaliwalain mo lang?

Masuwerte ka nga kasi naalala ka niya. Kahit gaano siya kabusy sa araw niya, nagawa pa rin niyang isingit ang pag message sa iyo.

Kung ibang tao siguro, darating sila sa point na titigil na sila. They will be tired of caring.

But as for me?

And it sucks!

Disconnected

I won't be using Facebook, FB Messenger, Instagram and Twitter for a while. I would like to disconnect myself for the social media (except blogging 😉) because I've already been too dependent on it. Too dependent to the point that I entrusted my life on it. My happiness. Posted almost everything about me, leaving no privacy left for me. Will try to build a wall between me and my social media - and even my actual friends - and see who notices my absence. Will try my best to do this untill my birthday. If I succeed, then might extend a few days or weeks or even a few months more. It'll be hard but worth the try.

So if you're reading this, you'll be one of the special people who will be able to have an update from me using this Blog.

Puntong ayaw ko na

Dumating na ako sa punto na ayaw ko na. Suko na ko. Tigilan na natin ito. Pagod na akong magkunwari na kaya ko. Na masaya ako. Nakakapagod. Nakakasawa!

Barbie Doll

By: Squall Leonhart


Simula elementarya ay matalik na magkaibigan na sina Gino at Joan. Halos hindi sila

mapaghiwalay ng mga guro nila kung kaya’t napagpasyahan nilang gawin na lamang silang

magkaklase. Pero napaghiwalay din ang mga ito ng tumuntong ng high school. Pero ganoon

paman, hindi parin nagbago ang tinginan nito sa isat-isa.



Pero gaya ng ibang magkaibigan, madalas ay mag-away ang mga ito kahit sa napakaliit na

dahilan. Nandiyan na ang pinag-tatalunan nila ang kulay ng bolpen, design ng notebook, kulay

ng bag, bagay na damit sa isa at kung anu-ano pa. Madalas, ay buong araw itong nag-aaway.

Tulad na lang ng minsan itong magtalo kung ano ang papanoorin sa T.V. Gusto ni Joan ng It

Might Be You pero gusto naman ni Gino ay NBA. Kaya naman madalas magtatampo (kunwari)

si Joan kay Gino at iiwan ito ng mag-isa. Ito namang si Gino, maaawa kaya naman pag-bibigyan

ang gusto ni Joan.



Dumating ang araw ng kanilang Prom. Dito ay palaging magkatabi sina Joan at Gino. Minsan, ng

yayain ni Gino si Joan na sumayaw, may ipinagtapat ang kaibigan kay Joan. “Joan, I like you!”

pabulong nitong sinabi. “Ha? Wag ka ngang magbiro ng ganyan!” tugon ni Joan. “No, honestly,

I really like you!” “Ewan ko sa iyo, Gino.” “By the way, para sa iyo.” May ibinigay si Gino sa

kaibigan na regalo. “Ano ito? At para saan naman?” taka ni Joan. Basta pag-uwi mo mamaya,

pag nasa bahay ka na saka mo yan buksan” hindi na kumibo pa si Joan. Pagkauwi ay agad nitong

binuksan ang regalo at isang Barbie Doll ang laman nito. Tuwang tuwa naman ito sa natanggap

niyang regalo mula sa kaibigan.



Kinabukasan, mas lalong naging maalalahanin si Gino kay Joan. Napag-isip-isip tuloy ni Joan na

talagang seryoso si Gino sa kanyang sinabi. Pero, bakit hindi man lang nito nagawang sabihan

siya ng “I love you”? Halos araw-araw ay binibigyan ni Gino si Joan ng Barbie Doll pero ni

isang I love you ay wala pa rin itong nasasabi. Dahil dito ay naiinis si Joan sa kaibigan.

Iniiwasan na niya ito at kung magkasalubong man ay hindi pinapansin. Hanggang dumating ang

isang araw, ng makita nito si Gino na may-kasamang ibang babae palabas ng simbahan. Sa sama

ng loob, tumakbo si Joan papalayo sa kaibigan. Lingid sa kanya, nakita pala siya ni Gino at pilit

na hinabol ngunit hindi inabutan.



Sa bahay ay tinitingnan na lamang ni Joan ang mga laruan na ibinigay ng kaibigan (na halos

umabot na sa isang daan sa dami) habang umiiyak. Sa totoo lang, minahal na rin niya ang

kaibigan.



Kinabukasan habang papauwi si joan ay hinabol ito ni Ginoa. Ng maabutan, “Joan, kausapin mo

naman ako.” ang sabi ni Gino. “Para saan pa? Ang lakas ng loob mong sabihin sa aking ‘You

like me’ but you cant even say the words ‘I love you’!” “Kahit hindi ko iyon masabi, hayaan

mong itong Barbie Doll na ito ang magpatunay ng nararamdaman ko para sa iyo.” Binigay ni

Gino ang laruan pero tinapik lamang ito ni Joan at tumilapon sa kalsada. “Hindi ko kailangan

ang mga laruan!” wika ni Joan. Tumalikod ito at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad ng may marinig itong

sigawan at tunog ng sasakyang nakabangga. “Diyos ko yung bata, nasagasaan!!” sigaw ng isang

matandang babae. Nagsitakbuhan ang mga tao sa paligid ng isang nakahilatang tao sa gitna ng

kalsada. Si Joan ay tinungo rin ito upang Makita kung sino ang nakahilata. Sa laking gulat ay

nakita niya ang kamay ng isang tao na may hawak na Barbie Doll at may bahid ng dugo. Pilit

siyang pumasok sa kumpul-kumpol na mga tao at dito niya nakilala ang nakahilata. Si Gino,

hawak-hawak ang laruan na tumilapon sa kalsada. Kinuha niya ito para ibigay sa kaibigan.



Iyak ng iyak si Joan sa nangyari sa kaibigan. Sinisisi niya ang kanyang sarili sa pagkamatay ng

kanyang kaibigan at minamahal. Kinuha niya lahat ng mga laruang binigay sa kanya ni Gino at

niyakap ang mga ito. Sa pag-yakap niya ay narinig niya ang boses ni Gino na nagsasabing, “I

LOVE YOU, JOAN!!” Inulit niya ang pag-yakap sa mga laruan at muli ay narinig niya si Gino

na nagsasabing, “I LOVE YOU, JOAN!!” inisa-isa niya lahat ng mga Barbie Dolls at dito niya

natuklasan kung bakit palagi siyang binibigyan ni Gino ng Barbie Dolls. Sa bawat laruan ay “I

love you, Joan!” “Mahal kita, Joan!” “I love you ‘cause you’re my life” ang kanyang naririnig.



Naalala niya ang huling laruan na ibinigay sa kanya ni Gino. Buhat sa kanyang aparador ay

kinuha niya ang isang Barbie Doll na may bahid ng dugo ng tao at niyakap niya ito ng mahigpit.

Dito, iba ang kanyang narinig. “Joan, sorry kung may mga nagawa man akong kasalanan sa iyo.

Tungkol doon sa nakita mo nung linggo, si Ate Anna ang kasama ko noon. Pinsan ko na galing

ibang bansa. Ito lang ang gusto kong malaman mo, ikaw lang ang pinakamamahal ko at kung

hindi ko man nagagawang sabihin sa iyo na mahal kita, pangako, mula sa araw na ito, ako na

mismo ang magsasabi sa iyo na mahal na mahal kita. Sana mapatawad mo ako.” lalong napaiyak

si Joan sa kanyang narinig. Natandaan niya ang huli nitong sinabi sa kanya, “Kahit hindi ko iyon

masabi, hayaan mong itong Barbie Doll na ito ang magpatunay ng nararamdaman ko para sa

iyo.”



Kaya pala palagi siyang binibigayn ni Gino ng manika. Kaya pala ganoon na lang kahalaga ang huling manika para kay Gino. Kaya pala… kaya pala…

Note to self

Habol habol ng habol sa taong pilit naman lumalayo. Kumakapit pa rin ako sa pag asa na magkakaayos kami at maibabalik sa dati ang samahan naming apat kahit alam ko naman nang wala na. Na nasa harapan ko na yung sagot na kaya nilang maging masaya kahit wala ako sa eksena. Pero pilit ko pa rin sinusuksok sarili ko. Bumalik na naman ako sa dati na parang nanglilimos na naman ako ng atensyon mula sa ibang tao para maintindihan ang pinagdadaanan ko. Para may masabing may kakampi ako. Para maramdaman kong importante ako. Para maramdaman na may kapatid ako. Para maramdaman na may kaibigan ako. Pero tang ina, nakakapagod na. Pero paulit ulit yun ang nangyayari.

Makailang ulit na akong nagmakaawa pero parati pa rin iniiwan. It was my fault. Kaya nangyayari ito. Tapos na. Tapos na ang araw na makikita ninyo na kami ay kumpleto pa. Tumatawa at umiiyak ng magkakasama. Pero wala, lahat ay gagawin ko nang mag-isa.

Dumating na ako sa punto na naawa na ako sa sarili ko. Tama na. Dapat ka nang sumaya. Sumaya at maging malaya sa pagkakalugmok at pagkakagapos sa anino nila. Bitaw na at harapin ang katotohanan na sila ay wala na at naiwan ka mag isa. Nakaya mo noon na wala sila, sigurado, mas kakayanin mo ngayon sa piling ng iba.

Thanks to those who stick with me sa pinaka downfall ng buhay ko. Yung hindi nangiwan kahit ang hirap ko pakisamahan. Yung nag tyaga sa pakikinig sa mga kadramahan ko sa buhay at patuloy na nagmamahal. Yung tanggap ako ng buong buo.

Nakalipas na ang mga sakit. Nagbago na ang pagsasamahan na dati ay ubod ng saya. Masanay ka na. Wala na siya. At darating ang panahon, mawawala sila.

Paalam. Paalam sa dating pagsasamahan. Sa kapatirang iniwan na kasama ang bakas at alaala ng nakaraan. Salamat. Salamat sa mga alaala na hanggang doon na lang talaga. Isang alaala.

Oras na para sarili ko naman ang mahalin ko. Mabuhay sa mundong dati ay may tayo ngunit ngayon ay naging na lang Ako.

Contra Mundum

Tonight was fun. I enjoyed watching the movie Ang Larawan with my best friends. Yun nga lang, nakaka lungkot kasi yung isang tao na dati ay kasangga ko at pinakamalapit sa akin, feels so distant already. Ramdam ko na malayo na kami sa isa't isa. Na yung dating pagsasamahan namin eh talagang wala na. Naiwan na kasabay ng pag talikod ng taon. Pero wala naman kasi ako.magagawa dun eh. It was my fault. And I am guilty of it. No one to blame but me. And sadly, this is my punishment. Ang mawala ang bunso kong kapatid. Ang mapalayo ang loob niya sa akin.

But damn, miss ko na ang samahan namin ng bunso. Kakaiyak. BUNSO, MISS KA NA NI KUYA. SOBRAAAAA. :'(

Kung puwede ko lang ibalik ang orasan upang itama lahat ng mga mali ko, gagawin ko yun. Pero isang kamalian ulit iyon dahil alam ko, mas nagiging masaya siya ngayon. And dun pa lang, dapat maging masaya na din ako. Sabi ko nga noon, walang magagawa, KUYA pa rin ako at mas mauuna ang kaligayahan ng mga kapatid ko. Di bale na ako ang magdusa huwag lang sila.

Bunso, muli, miss na kita ng sobra.

Thank You 2017

To the people who hold me up when my knees give out and I start tumbling to the floor, thank you. Thank you for being my extra pair of legs when mine refuse to work. For letting me lean on your strength when I'm convinced the rest of the world wants me face down in the dirt. Thank you for stabilizing, for staying planted in the ground, for giving me a foundation from which to stand back up on. Whenever I’m clumsy and fall, you’re there to help me up. To the people who tell me it’s okay to feel too much, thank you. Thank you for understanding my sensitive heart and never telling me it has to harden. You let me love loudly and openly. You remind me not everything is supposed to fit into a box. Some things spill out. On even my messiest days, you still care. To the people who encourage my voice even when it breaks, thank you. Thank you for reminding me that my perspective is important. There are days I stay silent and those when I have to speak up. You respect them both. I love you for that. To the people who know me for who I am, EXACTLY who I am, and still stick around, thank you. Thank you for seeing the cracks and bruises and choosing to stay. Thank you for knowing I’m not always the person I pretend to be, and loving my roots. You’ve seen me at my darkest, my most troubled, when the mask dropped and the real me oozed out. And you told me I was worth it. You told me nothing changed. To the people who love me even when I’m my most unlovable, thank you. Thank you for showing me the meaning of friendship, guidance, and affection. You are the good in this world. You are the reason I’m starting to see the good in me, too.