Darn it!

Darn it! All I want is to live like a normal person! No strings attached!

Shit!

I'm really pissed off with Jae Ha Yoon! Darn!

We talked around six in the evening. He called me while he's in Bangkok. It was a surprise call cause I can't remember giving him my number or at least expect him to call me. We started well with the conversation but when he asked me if what time I would be leaving to Manila, I told him that I will just postpone it for now and just visit Ate by Wednesday. He got mad at me saying that I better have a good excuse this time for postponing the visit. Well, I have a valid and good excuse. I have a Job Interview later this afternoon, December 16. With that, it only made him more furious! Darn! He told me not to go to the job interview cause visiting ate is more important than a job interview. Yeah right! But hey, I'm just living a normal life! That's what he told me. Never think about my illness and just live like everything's okay, though its not!

So we had a little argument more and I can't help my self but shout over the phone. Good thing I'm alone in my room and my parents were out so they won't hear me. If there's any witness who could hear all those that I've said was Liit, my Chihuahua.

Shame!

I can't sleep right now cause I'm still mad at Jae Ha Yoon!

By Wednesday, I'll have my second therapy and I'll go there by myself. Without him! I'm not going to stay at his unit nor at their house. I'd rather ask my cousin if its okay for me to stay there for two days. If ever he'd ask me why I'm in Manila, I'll just make up an excuse.

For now, that's what I am planning to do!

I know you'll be able to read this, Jae Ha Yoon! So I bet you'll have an idea how mad I am right now.

Its 3:05 in the morning and I can't even sleep! Its okay, I still have at least one hour to rest before the Nine Morning Masses!

Till then!

The Art of Unloving You

Sometimes, just when you think you've found the perfect person, she realizes that there are so many things wrong with you. Eventually, you also realize that there are so many things wrong with her and everything just falls apart.

After some time, you realize that it's over. No amount of shouting, kicking, punching and whining can bring you an instant replay of the things that were and could have been.

Give me the space and the time that I need to learn to un-love you.

Musta ka na?

I don't know how I am. Would you take it against me if I answer that question with a cold stare? How am I doing? I don't know. I absolutely don't know.

I guess I've been having sleepless nights, trying to figure out why things didn't work out. I guess I'm caught between wanting to shut you out of my life completely and wanting to snatch you away.

I don't know. I am lost.

Life was so much simpler before you messed up with my heart. Happiness, being okay and loneliness were simple emotions. With you in my life now, everything seems much more exaggerated. It's like I feel these emotions from my hair to my fingertips, to the point of being nauseated. .

Okay ka lang ba?

I don't think I'm okay. I am not okay. Being confused never belonged to the realm of being okay. Do you realize what you do to me? My days seem so much happier. The sun seems to shine brighter. The rain brings a smile to my lips. The colors seem more vivid and I now love the things I used to hate.

I don't think I'm okay.

My life has always been on a timetable. Everything is planned and every aspect has a structure. Everything has a Plan A and if the Plan A does not work, there's always a Plan B. When all else fails, there's always Plan C. When you came, something has placed the entire order in my life upside down. My timetable changed and to the point I don't follow a schedule anymore. My plans were all put on hold. The whole structure just went crashing.

I had a clear view of what I wanted, where I was going and by when I need to get there. The moment you walked in, none of them seemed to matter anymore. All I wanted was to stay with you. And that isn't me. I can't afford to allow that to be me.

Not this time. Not with you.

You represent the exact opposite of everything I've ever longed for and yet, for some strange reason, I feel happy when I'm with you. Some people have a problem dealing with loneliness. I, however, find myself having a problem dealing with happiness because I can't justify to my mind why I feel about you. It's just not logical. It defies reason.

Galit ka ba sa akin?

No, I'm not angry with you.

I am just doing what's best for the both of us thereby solving the problem before it begins. I know this feeling all too well. I know I'm gonna end up starting my day with thoughts of you and end it just the same.

I'd have imaginary conversations with you in my head. And then one day, I'd wake up realizing that you have become an essential part of my day. It would be all so rosy for the first 90 days.

Until one day, reality gives me a nudge and makes me realize I don't really have you. That no matter how much you said you loved my eyes and sharing your dreams and your thoughts with me, I still won't be enough. That no matter how much you said you cared about me, you can never love me the way I want to be loved. That no matter what I do, there would be no me and you. So let me solve this the only way I know how.

Ayaw mo na ba talaga akong makita?

Well, yes… at least until I get over you.

At least until I am sure that your presence no longer affects my better judgment. At least until I've accepted the finality of things and never feel myself longing for something you cannot give.

Let me concentrate on the negative things about you. Let me bring you down from the pedestal I once placed you in. Allow me to see your worst and then maybe I'd change my mind.

Let me remind myself that as much as I love you, we have different priorities. That as much as I adore you, you have a way of pissing me off, a way that only you can do.

Let me be reminded of what a ball and chain you are then maybe I'd learn to see you in a different light. Let me gaze at your countenance one more time and remind myself how forgettable your features are.

Let me walk with indifference when all I wanted to do was to run to your side and hug you. Let me be nonchalant about your stories, about your thoughts. Let me be self-absorbed, allow me to work myself to death or drag my sorry ass whacking my brains out with academic pursuits.

Let me be busy.

It's just that I don't want to be happy for a moment and be miserable for the next two or three. I don't want to love you, because I don't want to go through the pain of letting you go. My mind refuses to let the heart win.

And you know what's the worst part of learning to un-love you?

It’s the disappointing reality, that my messed up heart is stubbornly believing that letting you go means loving you more.

It's the dark, unacceptable fact that sadly, whoever gets romantically entangled with me at this precise moment of my life, that person will only fall second best to the memory of you.

So allow me to get the space and the time I need as I live day-to-day, practicing the art of unloving you.

My secret's a secret no more

Buking! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Kainis, super buking ako! Shame! I didn't realize na may mga nasabihan pala ako ng blogsite ko na ito!

Waaaaaaaaaaaa!

Super buking!

Now, I have five more people who knew about my secret!

Waaaaaaaaaaaa!

Jaja, I really hate you this time! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr! Lagot ka sa akin next week pag punta ko jan sa manila! I'm really going to kill you! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Anyway, I'm really nervous about taking my second session. Hmmmm. . . Hope the result would be good!